Looking down the barrel...

I was under no illusions that that last one was going to be painful.  I am self aware enough to know that.  What I didn't quite get was how debilitating it was going to be, in terms of every day life.  Exhausted, scattered, a little bit nauseated, and actually, quite shaken. 

I know that "getting it out" is a good thing, every pop psychology book written talks about that.  Most theraputic modalities are based on it, to some degree or another.  I've tried a lot of them, most to no avail.  The "no avail" probably being directly in correlation with my readiness, I'm sure. 

Am I ready now?  I have no idea, none.  If this is what ready feels like, ready blows.  Ok, I allowed myself a little whining, I deserve it, I'm human too, even when I try to go robot, I'm still human.  Is that even the question?  Maybe the question is really, ready for what?  So cool, just change the question to one you know the answer to....gotta love being in charge.  The answer is.... Healing!  Teachers pet, A+, brownie button, give Tam a cookie.  I'm not sure what healing looks like for me.  I've been this version of me for so long, it's integral for sure, probably chronic and certainly not something that I can remember as being different once upon a time.  There are things I want to make better, to feel better, to accept, to fix, to salve and to move forward from...is that healing? 

Whine alert: You know what really toasts my ass? I didn't do this. I have to fix it, somehow, if that's possible, but I had no say so, there's nothing for me to own up to, or make amends for, no tangible action on my part except to "become".  Injustice always frustrates me, and there is nothing just about looking down the barrel of this healing crap.

Back to the healing thing, I really only have questions, not answers.  Will there be a magical day when everything is "all better"?  Doubtful, life really doesn't work like that.  Instinctually, I have this thought that accepting it "as is" will be part of being healed. Maybe coming out on the other side, having felt all the feelings, experienced the emotions finally, embraced the injustice, voiced some truth, unmasked a few lies, defied some family to love me for "me actually".  Is that it?  I can do that.  I probably won't like it, but I can do it. 

I want to live a beautiful life.  That's what she gave it to me for. There's a mission statement for ya.

There's more to this story...

Tamara

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped away
~Boston "More than a Feelin"